Wednesday, December 17, 2008
AT TIME-WARNER, WE'RE NOT SATISFIED TILL YOU'RE NOT SATISFIED.
It was 8pm when the phone rang.
TW: Hello, this is Betty. I’m conducting a survey for Time-Warner to see if you’re satisfied with our customer service.
[Note: Time-Warner is the conglomerate that provides my cable service and my Internet hookup, Roadrunner. Betty sounded like she was 12 years old. I figured maybe Time-Warner was outsourcing their phone surveys to the Girl Scouts of America.]
TW: Sir, did you speak to a Time-Warner service representative with a problem in the past three days?
MK: No.
TW: Our records indicate that you did.
MK: No, I’m pretty sure that I — no wait — I did call tech support a few days ago. Roadrunner was down. I had no Internet connection. Yes, I definitely want to take this survey. I have a complaint that I would like to go on record.
TW: Do you remember the name of the person who helped you?
MK: I never got through to a live person. That’s my complaint. I wound up in Phone Automation Hell. First I had to listen to a long message about all the neighborhoods where the cable TV is out. I wasn’t calling about cable TV. I was calling about Roadrunner. And for the record, the message they played was for Friday’s outages, and I called on a Saturday.
TW: I need the name of the person who helped you.
MK: That’s my point. I never got a person. Nobody helped me.
TW: If you didn’t speak to anyone then you can’t take this survey.
MK: Wait, wait. Don’t hang up. I want to take the survey. Let’s start again.
TW: Okay. [sound of papers rustling] Hello, this is Betty. I’m conducting a survey for Time-Warner to see if you’re satisfied with our customer service.
[I’ll edit out the next few minutes and skip to the part where I ask Betty if I can speak to her mother or her supervisor. For the record, the supervisor, Jessica, sounded like she was twenty-something.]
TW: Hello, this is Jessica. I’m told you want to take our customer service survey, but since you never spoke to anyone, you’re not eligible.
MK: I may have misspoken. I did speak to someone.
TW: Do you remember that person’s name?
MK: I think it was Hal. He said things like Press 1, Press 2, Press 3 a lot. And if I pressed anything else, like say — Zero — he kept saying that’s not an option. Then he kept repeating himself. Wouldn’t listen to a word I said. Very rude.
TW: Sir, that was a computer, not a person. We’re doing a survey to see if you’re satisfied with our customer service.
MK: So then, technically, the computer isn’t part of your customer service.
TW: No sir. Customer service is just real people.
MK: So then what department does the computer work in?
TW: Sir?
MK: Maybe the computer is part of your Sales Prevention Department.
TW: Sir, do you want to take part in our survey?
MK: Yes, Jessica. I would very much like to complain about your lousy customer service, but since it is so bad that I never actually got through to a human being, I am technically not entitled to complain. Is that correct?
TW: Yes sir.
MK: Do you see the irony in that?
TW: No sir.
MK: Jessica, I think I’d like to speak to your supervisor.
TW: I am the supervisor, sir.
MK: There’s nobody that outranks you?
TW: No sir.
MK: In that case can you put Betty back on the phone please?
TW: Sir, you’re not eligible to take the survey. Can I ask why you want to speak to Betty?
MK: I’d like to order some Girl Scout cookies. Two boxes of the Samoa and two Thin-Mints.
I hung up before she could.
For those of you who have been through Phone Automation Hell, may I strongly recommend you visit www.gethuman.com.
It lists about 500 companies, gives you the best phone number for each, and the buttons you should push to circumvent the computer who is standing between you and a real human being.
I’d like to publicly thank Paul English who created it in 2005. The site has undergone several incarnations and now is happily back to Mr. English’s original simple, user-friendly design.
The directions it gives for getting through to Time-Warner are correct, but I just happened to be pushing buttons on a bad day.
So what about you? What’s your 1-800 horror story?
Next blog: Tues. Dec 23 — Marshall's Letter to Santa
Marshall posted on December 17, 2008 6:12 AM
Hi Marshall,
I love your new website. I too can't stand Time Warner and we finally made the big switch over to Verizon fiber optic. What a change. Our internet has not been down for over a year. It had gotten to the point where I knew all the Time Warner repair men kids names! Really!
I would love to be a character in your book. I feel that because I touted your books to all my reader friends that it might give me a prayer. My middle name is Sophia and that is what my family and old friends call me. Sophia is a great name for a character because it is so versatile. It can be a sex pot or a short fat Jewish lady. ha ha, Or it could be both? Happy Holidays your my favorite, F-bomb and all.
Oh my gosh, you make me laugh so hard I cry!
I am surprised you didn't fire off a few f-bombs to Jessica and Betty......
if I knew where to send them, I would send a case of both cookies and sign it "from Betty"!
Thanks for the BIG SMILES today!
Robin
Just gotta love the computer generated responses for support.
Had a situation with our personal email account several years back. Called because we were having problem with connectivity. Spoke with someone who couldn't speak English very well - English as a second language. Well, in the process they ended up totally closing our email account. After 2 or 3 calls to the phone business office I was able to determine that they really did disconnect our internet connection. In the process of getting it set back up we had to set up a whole new account. Then a day or so later we received a phone call concerning the original call to take a survey. I let them have it with both barrels telling them how dissatisfied I was with their tech support and attempting to talk to someone who couldn't understand my English!!
I'm still trying to figure out who was the marketing "genius" who decided that the best way to determine customer satisfaction is to call the customer up at inconvenient times. And by inconvenient times, my personal definition is whenever I am at home.
Sounds like for your survey, T-W should take a page from Stephen Colbert. "Mr. Karp, Time-Warner cable and internet - Great Service or The Greatest Service?"
Every once and a while I like to rattle the cage of a particularly annoying telemarketer and ask, "By the way, do you know how to get goat blood out of a carpet. We just finished a sacrifice and..."
Gary posted on December 23, 2008 1:57 PMI'm still trying to figure out who was the marketing "genius" who decided that the best way to determine customer satisfaction is to call the customer up at inconvenient times. And by inconvenient times, my personal definition is whenever I am at home.
Sounds like for your survey, T-W should take a page from Stephen Colbert. "Mr. Karp, Time-Warner cable and internet - Great Service or The Greatest Service?"
Every once and a while I like to rattle the cage of a particularly annoying telemarketer and ask, "By the way, do you know how to get goat blood out of a carpet? We just finished a sacrifice and..."
Gary posted on December 23, 2008 1:58 PMMine was with G.E. My 3 year old frige had melted some wiring and I wanted a repair person as there was none in the phone book. (We live in the middle of no where). I actually had a live person, several holds, and he told me that it was out of the warrantee - which I had read in the paperwork. Said to check my phone book. I told him he hadn't helped me at all. He said "I told you about the warrantee." I told him I had read that myself and he was no help at all. I hung up.
Carole Centers posted on December 23, 2008 2:48 PMMy other one was with ordering Dell ink, which is to a person in India. I could not understand him but all I wanted was ink. Got a package which included photo paper - I didn't have a digital camera so after much "what?" I did get that credited. Then I got an email about how my service was; replied that they should have English speaking people. Got a call from the same person about my response. I now have a Lexmark printer.
Carole Centers posted on December 23, 2008 2:51 PMOld man Time-(warner). I am still waiting for their "survey" as to whether it was viable for them to run cable on my road when I bought my house 11 years ago. DirecTV still has my business. Good thing I didn't hold my breath waiting for that survey. It hasn't happened yet. And that's why I read books!!!
Oh - wait - I am holding my breath waiting for Mike and Terry, et al. When can I exhale? I'm getting a little "blue" here, Marshall. Marshall! Marshall? are you listening? -Penny
You should try speaking to the automated services with a Southern accent. Once when I was an un-blind interior designer, I was ordering wallpaper and the company had just gone auto on us. A shop full of people ove0r-heard me saying "Yay-yuss". "Yaaaaay-yusa". "Yuh-ess" (that was how it came out when I said it quicker). "Yiss". (that was me trying to use one syllable). Still no go. "Sigh". Then one more "Yay-yuss" for good old time sake. That was it. "God-danged freaking prissy-sounding little George Jetson's maid wanna-be piece of crap!!!!". It was then that I remembered the shop full of clients and co-workers...including my boss. So I gently put the phone down, smoothed my skirt (I don't know why southern women do that to regain their composure) and calmly said to my client who was still standing behind me waiting for a quote, "Pardon me. I'll try again later". So much for the glamorous skirt, high heels and interior decorator's required neck scarf misconception. Lately, I just ignore all of the "push this" and "press that" requests and just punch zero. Sometimes it works. Also...when an outsourced operator gives you an unfamiliar name, NEVER say "I'd like to buy a vowel please". You will get to speak to a supervisor's supervisor then. -Betz
Betsy Jack posted on January 8, 2009 3:38 PM