TAKE MY WIFE — PLEASE.

The murder victims in my next book are married to cops. So I toyed with the idea of calling the book Take My Wife — a tribute to Henny Youngman — the undisputed King of One Liners. (The book wound up being called Flipping Out.)

In a recent email exchange with one of my readers I mentioned Henny Youngman. She had to Google him. She didn’t know him or his signature line, “Take my wife — please.”

She’s half my age and lives in the Midwest, so I felt old, yet vaguely East Coast Superior. Did everyone in Ohio miss out on Henny Youngman?

I worked with Henny back in my advertising days. We were recording an animated beer commercial, and he was doing the voice of a stand up comic.

I wrote a bunch of jokes for him, but he showed up with funnier stuff. For those of you who are either too young (or too Buckeye) to know Henny, here’s a sample of his work. (Best read out loud, in rapid-fire delivery).

My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. And that was only for the estimate.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. 
The guy couldn't pay his bill. The doc gave him another six months.


A bum asked me for $10 till payday.
 I said “when's payday?" 
He said "I don't know, you're the one who’s working."

The chorus girls dressing room is next to mine. There’s a little hole in the wall. I let them look.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

After Henny and I finished recording the beer commercial, he handed me a business card. It looked like this. Play along and do what it says.

“What number did you pick?” Henny asked me.

I told him. Three.

Henny told me to turn the card over.

Click here to see what it said.

Marshall posted on January 28, 2009 7:22 AM