Tuesday, June 9, 2009
HOW MY FEET LOST THEIR VIRGINITY
My wife and I had just checked into a Caribbean resort for a week long vacation when she informed me that my toenails weren’t beachworthy.
“Why don’t you call the spa and get a pedi,” she said.
I looked at her like she had just suggested we swap clothes for the week. “I’d rather call the front desk and see if I can borrow an electric hedge trimmer from the landscaping crew,” I said.
“Lots of men get pedicures,” she said.
“Lots of men wear guyliner, and sing show tunes,” I said.
“Getting a pedicure isn’t gay,” she said. “It’s metrosexual.”
“I’m not sure I’m ready to be labeled as a metrosexual,” I said.
“Well, if you show up on the beach with those feet, you’ll be labeled as a hobosexual.”
I booked a pedicure.
I’m sure most people know what a pedicure is all about, but for those straight guys out there who don’t, it’s like getting a shoeshine without your shoes.
Marie, the pedicurist, plunked my dogs in a tub of warm water and offered me a magazine. The choices were Vogue, Elle, Allure, and W. The chick on the cover of W was particularly hot, and I’d have liked to see more, but I passed. What if someone recognized me and took my picture? Getting a pedi was bad enough.
Marie made the usual hotel small talk, like where are you from, and what restaurants have you tried so far. All my answers started with “my wife and I,” just to make sure she knew these were hetero toes she was dealing with.
“A lot of women would kill to have your feet,” she said.
It sounded like a compliment. Or did it mean I had girlie feet? I had to know.
“Why?” I asked cautiously. “Why would women kill to have my feet?”
“These women insist on buying shoes that put their feet through torture. You should see some of the ugly feet I have to deal with — bunions, cracked heels, hammer toes, all kinds of problems. Your feet are beautiful.”
“Really?”
“Really,” she said. “No deformities, no fungal infections, and they don’t stink.”
“Those have always been my three basic criteria for dating,” I said.
We both laughed, and I finally sat back in my chair and started playing with the massage button options. Marie began rubbing my feet, and I wanted to drift off to sleep, but I kept one eye open to make sure she didn’t trot out the nail polish.
When it was over, I felt terrific. And I over tipped, so I know it was good for her too.
Then I headed for the beach to meet my wife. She waved when she saw me, and I skipped over to her chaise, singing “I feel pretty.”
So, then… how do you feel about your feet?
The funniest thing I've read all day. Marshall, you are a treasure.
ellen posted on June 9, 2009 9:26 PMI love my feet. I have *long* embraced comfortable shoes. I take care of them, giving them a little scrub every chance I get.
"They" (the professionals) tell me I have lovely feet as they delicately scour mine and are simultaneously taking the belt-sander to my companion (I usually go with a friend)
That said, I desperately need a pedicure. With the onset of what I'll generously refer to as "summer" here, I had to quickly cobble up the self-induced kind and it rather looks like someone carefully took an ice pick and very specifically stabbed me in each of my 10 toes (my choice of colour didn't help matters)
harmzie posted on June 9, 2009 11:21 PMOooh, I am passionate about this subject. I hate feet. I find them excruciatingly ugly and I dread summer because not all feet are sandal worthy. To me, "beautiful" and "feet" are mutually exclusive. Also, I have never had a pedi because I can't stand the thought of a stranger touching my feet. My goal is to screw up my courage and get one by the time I'm 40.
Shelly posted on June 10, 2009 12:56 AMMarshall,
I'd laugh, but I'm jealous about your hot feet. Not to mention I'm now suspicious about what every manicurist has ever said about my feet to someone else. I try to tip well to keep them quiet, but you have to wonder how anyone can resist making fun of feet.
God this cracked me up! My feet are OK. They need a pedicure, but it's kind of scary. Thinking about the filing they do gives me the heebie jeebies. (I have a thing about sandpaper, shudder.) So, usually I just paint them myself, and then the polish starts to chip off and they look worse than before. I can't win.
Suzy posted on June 10, 2009 3:18 PMAH..what a timely post.
I just had my pedi on Monday. I took my daughter for her first mani / pedi for her 11th b-day. She had a blast. We got matching toes and different fingers.
I love getting my every other month treatment. Also, I did receive the following compliment on the condition of my feet. The manicurist said, "Your feet are in great shape. Ususally, plus sized girls have very horrible feet, lots of corns and cracks." Ummmm....Compliment? Back-handed Insult? A little of both?
This being said, being a plus sized gal, I find the positioning of the foot for polish to be a tad uncomfortable.
Thanks for sharing this story. I loved it. :)
debb posted on June 10, 2009 6:01 PMHi Marshall. I'm in the minority of my friends. I want to like pedicures but my feet are crazy ticklish and when I go for them, I can't sit still. I can't wait for it to be over and it's just not relaxing.
jan posted on June 11, 2009 3:59 PM
Feet? *gags* My feet are ugly and I hate feet full stop. Doesn't help that my mother keeps telling me I have feet like Fred Flinstone - charming woman, that she is! Never had a pedi and will never have one due to my inability to force my feet on someone else!